As she hung up the phone, the slightest of smiles made its way across the tightly stretched corners of Hillary Clinton’s mouth. She rarely allowed herself to show any sort of genuine emotion, but this time she simply couldn’t help herself — things were just going so well!
The call had been from George Soros, the billionaire businessman who also serves as one of the Democratic Party’s top bankrollers. After exchanging the usually niceties, George jumped eagerly to the real point of his call…
“Have you seen the latest polls??” he asked, making almost no attempt to hide his excitement. “Trump is still killing it!”
Trump for president – the phrase still made Hillary cringe sometimes. In fact, she’d been extremely skeptical of the idea when she first heard it…
– – – – –
She remembered it like it was yesterday: she’d walked into what she thought was a meeting with campaign staffers only to find herself in a room with a dozen of the most influential Democrats in America, including Soros, Warren Buffet, Michael Bloomberg, her husband Bill, and rapper Jay-Z.
(Later that night, Bill would try to explain to Hillary how important it was to get the support of Roc Nation, but he might as well have been speaking another language. “Dang it Hill, it’s hip-hop ok? You just wouldn’t understand,” he finally said in exasperation.)
“Take a seat, Hillary. We have a proposition for you,” Soros said as she stared blankly around the room trying to make sense of the scene. Bloomberg strode to the front of the room, a large rolled-up poster tucked under one arm. With the assistance of Jay-Z, he unfurled it and mounted it to a corkboard on the wall.
Hillary could hardly believe her eyes. Right there, smack dab in the middle of the poster was Donald Trump, his physics-defying comb-over perched proudly on his head like the plume of a golden pheasant. Below his face, in big, bold red letters were the words, “Trump 2016: Let’s Make America Great Again.”
At this point, Hillary began to chuckle, thinking it was all some big prank designed to take her mind off of Benghazi and the email scandal. But after a few seconds, she realized nobody else was laughing. She looked around the room incredulously. “You guys are serious about this??” she said, dumbfounded.
“Serious as a heart attack,” Buffet said. “Trump is going to guarantee us the election next fall — we’ve convinced him to run for the Republican nomination!”
Hillary still wasn’t following, so Soros broke it down for her: “For years, the right-wing media has been doing two things: whipping up fear about immigration and Islam and promoting an anti-government message that’s made a lot of Republicans suspicious of all politicians. We’re gonna use their rhetoric against them.”
Jay-Z picked it up from there: “Here’s the blueprint Hill. We’re gonna have Trump spittin’ all kinds of racist, intolerant shit at his rallies. When the bigots realize it’s open season on that kinda stuff, they’ll start comin’ outta the woodwork all over the place, makin’ it seem like they’re the majority in the Republican party.”
“He’ll scare off any minorities and independents who might have been thinking about voting red next year,” said Bill, throwing up the Roc sign in acknowledgment of Jay. “Also, his ignorant comments are gonna dominate the headlines — the other candidates’ will get almost zero airtime. And when they do get a chance to talk, they’re gonna hafta respond to all the crazy stuff Trump is saying.”
Bloomberg chimed in, “The crazier his statements get, the more his supporters are going to praise him for being a “straight talker” – someone who doesn’t care about political correctness, someone who’s just tellin’ it like it is. And his whole, ‘I’m a successful businessman not a politician’ act will play extremely well with Fox News enthusiasts who’ve been taught that politicians are the devil.”
“But here’s the best part,” said Bill, a shit-eating grin spreading across his face. “If Fox News and the rest of the Republican establishment tries to rein him in or call him out, all he has to do is accuse them of the same mainstream media conspiracies that they’ve been accusing the Left of all these years!”
The idea was starting to sound a lot more reasonable, but Hillary was still skeptical. “Trump is a loose cannon – can we really trust him to stick to the plan?” she asked Soros. A mischievous smile flashed across the face of the Democratic kingmaker – he was very proud of himself for being the chief architect of such a clever scheme.
“That’s the beauty of the plan,” Soros began. “Trump is a prisoner to his own ego – keeping it fed is far more important to him than any real set of ideals or beliefs. That’s why he’s willing to run as a Republican even though he was a registered Democrat a few years ago. As soon as he realizes how much attention he can get from saying intolerant things, he’ll start doing it on his own. If we’re lucky, he might even start believing that he can actually win!” Soros said.
“Why would that be a good thing?” Hillary asked, puzzled.
“Because it would make him more likely to run as an Independent if he loses in the primaries,” Buffet replied, jumping back into the conversation.
“Look, there’s basically two ways this whole thing could play out,” the investment guru explained, wrinkling his nose and adjusting his glasses. “In scenario one, Trump wins the Republican nomination. But in doing so, he alienates minorities, women and independent voters, guaranteeing a Democratic victory in the general election.
“In scenario two, the Republican establishment rips itself apart to make sure that Trump doesn’t get the nomination. Trump – who’ll already be pissed about getting attacked by Fox News and other Republicans during the primaries – will react with the ultimate “f*** you” to the Republican Party: running as an Independent. Even if he only steals 10% of the Republican vote, he once again guarantees us a win in the general election.”
Hillary had left the meeting with an uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach. Operation Trump Card was a ruthlessly logical plan, but she couldn’t help feeling that it was all too good to be true. Was this really the best plan they could come up with? Putting the election in the hands of Donald Trump?? She fell asleep watching reruns of The Apprentice that night…
The next day, Hillary’s uneasiness turned into full-blown panic as she watched Trump announce his candidacy with a speech that called Mexicans criminals and rapists, among other things. She knew that the plan was for Trump to be provocative, but she was sure that he’d taken it too far. Much to her surprise, however, Trump surged to the top of the polls in the days after his announcement and never looked back.
– – – – –
There had been a few more brief scares since then. When Trump suggested that Fox News host Megyn Kelly was going after him because of her menstrual cycle, Hillary was sure he would lose support among women and Fox viewers. Instead, he went up in the polls. A few months later, he said that American Muslims should be forced to register on a government database and carry around special ID cards. Again, his poll numbers only improved.
Then, just three days ago, Trump had taken his Islamophobia to the next level, saying that he would end all Muslim immigration to the United States if he became president.
By now, Hillary had accepted the fact that almost nothing was going to hurt Trump’s poll numbers. So even though she got a little nervous after hearing his latest idea, she wasn’t at all surprised when she got the enthusiastic call from Soros: “Have you seen the latest polls?? Trump is still killing it! Hell, he’s polling twice as high as anybody else in the race right now!”
“I’ve seen the polls, George,” Hillary said dryly.
“Oh. So why don’t you sound excited?” George asked.
“This is my excited voice,” Hillary replied with a voice that lacked any trace of excitement.
“Oh ok… Well I guess I’ll let you get back to work then,” George said awkwardly.
“Thanks George,” Hillary replied, “If you have any other updates just send them to my new private email server.”
Disclaimer: Although this probably goes without saying, the piece above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to politicians and/or celebrities, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction.